The First Epistle of the Elders to the Dead Letter Writers

Chapter 1
In the beginning was the mailbox and the mailbox was void of letters.
2 And the missionaries said, "Let the box be filled," and the box was not filled.
3 And the missionaries beheld the continuing void and were not pleased.
4 And lo, it was the first day of the week and there was no mail delivered, but this was good.
5 But on the second day was the mail delivered; yet the box remained empty.
6 Yea, even from the second day unto the seventh was the mail delivered.
7 Even so, the box retained its void.
8 And yea, great mists of darkness spread forth from the void and enshrouded the missionaries. Yea, and did bring much sadness to their otherwise cheery days.
9 Even the long hours of fruitless tracting, being attacked by the fowls of the air, and being pursued by the beasts of the field were not as disheartening as the lack of blessed objects known as letters.
10 Yet they persisted.

Chapter 2
And, Lo, on the second day of the second week the mists still encircled the mailbox.
2 And on the third day, from within the depths of the void was a single postcard.
3 And this postcard put forth a ray of light that pierced the darkness and overcame the mists.
4 And the missionaries were well pleased, and there was much rejoicing.
5 But alas, their exclamations of joy were in vain. For the postcard was for someone else.
6 But if their joy was so exceedingly great over someone else's mail, how great would be their joy at partaking of their own mail?

Chapter 3
But some will say, A letter. A letter. We have already written a letter. We have no need to write any more leters.
2 Know ye not that there are more days than one, and more events than one in a day? Why think ye that these events need not be reported?
3 Yea, and ye need not worry that your letters will go unanswered.
4 But you should say, I will go and write the letter that a missionary requests. For I know that he giveth no requests except he be prepared to speedily respond.
5 And we give unto you the parable of the self-addressed envelopes.
6 When the missionary departed into the far off land he gave a certain number of self addressed stamped envelopes to his friends.
7 Unto one he gave five, unto another he give two, and unto the third he gave one.
8 And while he was gone, he that was given the five envelopes wrote five letters, thenin his zeal wrote five letters more.
9 The same with him that had two envelopes; He wrote two letters and then two letters more.
10 But he that was given the one self-addressed envelope became slothful and careless. And he lost the envelope, even that which he was given.
11 And when the missionary came home he went unto his friends. And he that had written ten letters was warmly greeted.
12 The same with him that had written four letters.
13 But he that had written none at all was given nothing more than a fishy, wimp-like handshake.

Chapter 4
And the missionary said unto his friend; lovest thou me?
2 And the friend said, of course I love thee. Then the missionary said, fill my mailbox.
3 He saith a second time, friend, lovest thou me? And the friend said thou knowest that I love thee. He then said, fill my mailbox.
4 He then spake a third time saying, lovest thou me? And the friend said, thou knowest all things, thou knowest that I love thee.
5 Then the missionary said, stuff my mailbox.
6 And the vision is become unto all as the words of a letter that is sealed in the envelope that men deliver to one who is not serving a mission saying, Read this, I pray thee; and he saith, I cannot, for it is not mine.
7 And the letter is delivered to him that is serving a mission saying, read this I pray thee; and he saith, why sure.
8 Therefore you should proceed to do a marvelous work for a missionary, even a marvelous work and a wonder by writing a letter.

written by THE MISSIONARIES OF THE TEXAS SAN ANTONIO MISSION